Till the day I die - Raquel Barbieri

Texto en español en Despertar de Crisálida: "Hasta el día en que me muera"

Traducido al inglés

When I woke up this morning, I certainly didn’t notice he was staring at me with those eyes, not with the loving and gentle ones I had known once upon a time, but with the cold sharp look he started to have towards me one particular afternoon I’d be happy to forget. So, when I woke up late today, at almost eleven, I felt something of worth had changed, and not precisely for the better. I did not have that fantastic feeling inside me anymore; even my body seemed to weigh less, to not have that sweet sensation of the lover’s touch, the magical breath of life, and my inner world was like an empty vessel with no prospects to be refilled. Perhaps, I was empty and that made me see life as if I was already dead. I could see the outside from the distance, even when I was there, something frightening but not to the extent of making me start a panic attack. I was not hungry, not thirsty, not cold or hot.

With his eyes on and over me, my mind repeated “Till the day I die, I’ll always be with you; till the day I die, I will love you”. Those words between the wondrous and the darkness had always been the settlements of our emotional and physical tie: “Till the day I die, till the day I die.” Why pronouncing words about death when celebrating love? I am sure he changed that afternoon I met the guy in the forest when I went for a run. He saw my sin. It had been just a couple of times, yes, I am not telling lies, a spark of lust in the middle of our beautiful routine, nothing of importance, just a different smell, another skin, a temporary madness. But he had seen me and from that moment onwards, everything was condemned to be changed.

As soon as I got up, I felt a blow of air on my back. I fell on the ground, being my chest against the wooden floor where the smell of blood obliged me to realize I was bleeding quickly. I was wet, at that point already tasting blood, breathing with difficulty, trying to pray. I lifted my eyes towards him at the moment he said “Till the day I die, I will love you” and shot himself.

He died first.

Raquel Barbieri